Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize