so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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