New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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