How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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