I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
