the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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