Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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