There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
