I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
