Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
