I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize