saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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