just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
