When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
