Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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