So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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