I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
