He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
