I think I won the penis lottery.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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