I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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