Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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