Can i not drive my cunt home
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
