so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
