Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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