got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Be still, my beating vagina.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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