so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Randomize
