I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
