Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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