We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
