at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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