Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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