No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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