an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
