FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
