Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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