If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
