i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
