The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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