Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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