i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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