Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
