they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
