I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize