I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
