so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
