just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
