I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
