plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
