would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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