If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
