just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You're so nebulous sometimes
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
