Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
