the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
