I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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