I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
