Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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