yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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