On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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