I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize