MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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