i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
a search helicopter?!
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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