just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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